MOVING TO CANADA

    Back in 1980, tons of people said they would move to Canada if Reagan was elected.   So I started a moving company completely dedicated to helping people move to Canada.  I called it I'm Moving to Canada.  (I know, snappy name, right?)  Bought a truck and a van, hired five employees and set up an office to deal with immigration issues.  Put all my life savings into it because so many people said they were going to move to Canada.  And then Reagan won.  And nobody moved to Canada.  Nobody.  My business was worthless and I was bankrupt.  I took a lot of odd jobs and worked a shift at a Burger King and eventually got back on my feet again.
    Then in 1988, people started saying that if Bush won, this time they would move to Canada FOR SURE.  It really seemed like they meant it.  So I started up the moving company again.  And then Bush was elected and nobody moved to Canada.  I was bankrupt again.  I went back to Burger King and worked my way up to manager and had started doing a bunch of free-lance writing about rock music.  With my modest savings, I started playing the stock market and made a pretty decent nest egg.  The Clinton years were pretty good for me.  My Nirvana book came out and I was writing for lots of magazines and I could quit my day job.  Sweet.
    And then the 2000 election came around.  And yeah, tons of people said they'd move to Canada if Bush got elected. It was more people than ever, and they seemed really determined: if Bush won, they were up and leaving for the Great White North.  This time, I waited to see what the outcome would be but of course Bush eventually "won." I was convinced that my time had finally come.  This time, I put my writing career on hold, took a bunch of my savings, maxed out two credit cards, and bought two trucks and two vans, set up the immigration services office and hired nine employees.  I took out ads in the New York Times, which was really expensive. And once again, no one actually moved to Canada.  Turns out they were all talk, no action.  I wasn't broke this time but I'd blown a lot of my savings and I was pretty pissed about that.
    I kept the trucks and the vans in a storage facility in Queens until I could sell them.  But the free-lancing career caught fire again after the success of my second book, so I hadn't gotten around to it by the time of the 2004 election.  Just like clockwork, everyone I knew swore that if Bush was re-elected, they were going to move to Canada.  I was pretty sure he was going to win — Kerry was dull as dishwater and it seemed like Bush had the electoral process all rigged up anyway.  So, of course, I figured what the hell, I'll start up the moving company again.  And once again, everybody talked a big game about moving to Canada but they never did it.  I sold the trucks and didn't lose too much this time.
    And now that Trump has won again, people are threatening to move to Canada again.  Well, guess what: I'm just not buying it this time.