I once had a chum by the name of Jeremiah who happened to belong to the species Rana catesbeiana. I was unable to parse his utterances; nonetheless, I assisted him in consuming the contents of his wine cellar, and let me tell you, the contents were of uniformly excellent quality.
This is what I would decree if I were some sort of global despot: I would dispose of all automobiles, drinking establishments and armed conflicts, and have pleasant consensual sexual relations with you.
You're no doubt familiar with the fact that I am quite partial to those of the feminine persuasion and also very much enjoy merrymaking. I travel through the air at high altitude after sundown and circumnavigate an arch of colors formed in the sky by the refraction and dispersion of the sun's light by water droplets in the atmosphere. And, may I add, I am a tremendously honest and forthright person.
And so I wish great elation to all beings on the planet, but in particular: children of all genders; limbless cold-blooded vertebrate animals with gills and fins, but only those that inhabit the ocean; and you and me.
"All Along the Watchtower" TRANSLATED
The comedian remarked to the larcenist, "Surely, there is an exit," adding, "I'm unable to alleviate a feeling of tremendous uncertainty. Industrialists help themselves to my claret while landscapers gouge up my property — and neither of them have any idea of the value of those assets."
The larcenist replied, "You have no cause for alarm, sir. Although a goodly proportion of our peers believe that existence itself is farcical, the two of us rejected that ethos some time ago, so let's not indulge that line of thought. Let's turn in, since it's now deep into the night."
Throughout the elevated observation structure, the sons of monarchs surveyed the landscape while every lady in the area, as well as various unshod domestic workers, arrived and departed. From some far-off point was heard the distinctive snarling of Felis silvestris; as a gale started to moan, a pair of horsemen neared the elevated observation structure.
"Werewolves of London" TRANSLATED
I witnessed a lycanthrope traversing the red-light district of central London in the midst of a downpour. He was clutching the bill of fare for a Chinese restaurant. As I understand it, he was in search of an eatery called Lee Ho Fook's, where he intended to consume a great deal of fried noodles with shredded meat.
He is baying quite audibly in the vicinity of the entrance to your scullery. You would be well advised not to grant him entrance because the previous evening, an elderly lady was mangled. The culprits, as ever, were the lycanthropes of London.
He is the fellow with hirsute palms who behaved in a highly untoward manner in the suburbs — Kent, to be specific. More recently, though, his ululations have resounded in the highly affluent Mayfair area. James, I advise keeping your distance from him, as he is quite likely to forcibly excise your pulmonary system. That said, I would very much appreciate an introduction to his clothier.
I happened to spy the great character actor of the '20s, Lon Chaney, strolling with Queen Elizabeth; for some reason they were both impersonating the lycanthropes of London. I also happened to spy Chaney's son Lon Chaney, Jr., also a legendary film actor, strolling with the very same Queen Elizabeth, and they, too, they were impersonating the lycanthropes of London. Finally, I spotted a lycanthrope sipping a cocktail of rum, pineapple juice, and coconut milk at the iconic tiki bar Trader Vic's; I must say, he sported an impeccable coiffure.
"Rock and Roll" TRANSLATED
I have not emulated the spirit of early rock music for a great while. For example, I have not recently done the Stroll, a dance popular in the '50s which involved male and female dancers organized by gender into two facing lines, with paired couples taking turns dancing up and down between the rows. I would like to repossess this spirit, for it is in fact the very foundation of my being.
It really has been a great while, a very great while, and I have endured a good deal of loneliness during this period. Indeed, I have.
Along similar lines, it has been quite some time since the release of the Monotones' classic 1957 doo-wop single “Who Wrote (The Book of Love)." Not sure if I mentioned this earlier but it's well worth emphasizing: it really is difficult to convey the sadness of being single for an extended period. Please convey me to the very foundation of my being.
Oh! Ah!
It appears to be a great while ago that you and I sauntered amid a moonlit evening, promising each other things that failed to come to fruition. Would you be so kind as to give me a hug and accept my affections? Yes, by all means do.
It has been a great while, and a lonely one at that. Yes, hey. Yes, hey. Yes, hey. Yes, hey. Oh yes, oh yes. Once again, it has indeed been a great while, and quite a lonely one at that.
"I'm Waiting for the Man": TRANSLATED
I am currently anticipating the arrival of a male associate of mine. I am holding 26 dollars in cash. As I travel to my destination, the corner of Lexington Avenue and East 125th Street in Harlem, I have a pronounced sensation of being unwell, untidy and indeed nearly lifeless.
"Salutations, my young Caucasian friend! What business do you have above 96th Street? Might you be pursuing our ladyfolk, my young Caucasian friend?"
"Au contraire, my good fellow, that is the last thing I want to do. I merely seek one of my very good chums. You see, I am currently anticipating the arrival of a male associate of mine."
My male associate now arrives. All his clothes are black and he sports footwear currently fashionable among certain gentlemen of Puerto Rican ancestry, as well as a chapeau woven out of dried grain stalks. He does not make a habit of arriving ahead of schedule; or, to put it another way, he is consistently tardy. Where this fellow's punctuality is concerned, one quickly grasps that one must bide one's time.
Operate it without further ado.
I approach and then enter a row house clad in umber sandstone, ascending to the third floor via the stairwell, whereupon I enter a very crowded room, although nobody seems to mind the cramped conditions. My male associate holds a hypodermic syringe loaded with a dose of heroin and obligingly injects me with it. Unfortunately, I'm in a hurry and must leave promptly.
My dear, please refrain from yelling, sobbing and generally raising your voice: right now, I'm experiencing a feeling of deep contentment and don't worry, I will eventually overcome my addiction. In the meantime, I'm experiencing a feeling of deep contentment and serenity — for the time being, anyway.
Escort it to your residence.
"Hey Joe" TRANSLATED
NARRATOR: Good morrow to you, Joseph! I espy that you bear a wheel lock — prithee, whither thou goest? Oh, perchance you marked me not the first time, so I rehearse: I espy that you bear a wheel lock — prithee, whither thou goest?
JOSEPH: I intend to dispatch my sweet, for I descried her being untrue. And that is graceless.
[an indeterminate amount of time passes]
NARRATOR: Good morrow once again, Joseph. Word is that you discharged your wheel lock upon your sweet, deathfully goring her.
JOSEPH: That is correct, I deathfully gored her with my wheel lock for, as stated, I descried her being untrue and so I deathfully gored her with my wheel lock.
NARRATOR: Good as the best, sir. Prithee, pistol your sweet with another bullet for good measure.
[an indeterminate amount of time passes]
NARRATOR: Whither shall you abscond? Whither shall you abscond? I said, Joseph, whither shall you abscond? Whither shall you abscond?
JOSEPH: Mark me well: I shall speed in a southerly course and o'erwalk the border into the United Mexican States. Yond, I may 'scape the consequences of my malefaction, as the authorities shall be uncapable of sounding my whereabouts. Thus I shan't countenance capital punishment, perchance bemeted by a deathsman fastening a halter about my neck. Credit my words: I must needs take my leave posthaste.
NARRATOR: Yes, agreed, you must needs take your leave posthaste. God keep you, Joseph! Godspeed!
"Proud Mary" TRANSLATED
A while back, I had a full-time day job in an urban area, working long hours for a powerful business owner. I had no concerns about the consequences of this decision.
The stern wheel of the steamboat known as the Proud Mary continues to revolve because its engines continue to consume fuel, thereby propelling the ship down the waterway.
Then I left town and found a variety of employment, including working as a dishwasher in Memphis and transferring propane in New Orleans. But I didn't encounter the most outstanding aspects of either of those cities until I embarked on a magnificent steamboat.
From that unique vantage point, I discovered that people who live in the vicinity of riverbanks lead a nice life, and it doesn't matter to them if you're needy, because they're very generous.
"Pinball Wizard" TRANSLATED
I have enjoyed pinball from an early age, and have surely played every machine in the red-light district of central London, the seaside resort towns on England's southern coast, and all points in between. And yet I have never witnessed anyone play pinball as well as he does. That young man with profound hearing loss, an inability to speak, and blindness clearly plays pinball extremely well.
He stands absolutely still as he plays, achieving a singularity with the game. He ineffably senses the contours of the playing surface and never fails to play the ball perfectly. He plays intuitively as he racks up such huge amounts of points that the scoring mechanism fails. That young man with profound hearing loss, an inability to speak and blindness clearly plays pinball extremely well.
He is so virtuosic at pinball that I suspect there is some sort of fraud. That said, I note the aforementioned virtuosic pinballer has an exceptionally limber carpus.
What is the secret to his technique? I could not even begin to speculate. What is the basis of his exceptional skill?
Well, come to think of it, he's completely unperturbed by external stimuli; for instance, he is unable to perceive the characteristic sounds of the pinball machine, nor its intermittent illuminations. Personally, I believe he interacts via olfaction. He never fails to get an extra ball and I've never seen him lose.
Heretofore, I had believed myself to be the world's foremost pinballist but I recently ceded him the championship.
He defeats me even when we play on my favored machine. He's led in by his acolytes and then he takes it from there. He's uncannily deft at manipulating the paddles and, as previously noted, I've never seen him lose. I really have to hand it to him: that young man with profound hearing loss, an inability to speak and blindness clearly plays pinball extremely well.
"Honky Tonk Women" TRANSLATED
In Memphis, I made the acquaintance of a quite bibulous woman who spent a lot of time in drinking establishments. She wanted to escort me to the upper floor of the building for a sexual encounter, but she had to forcibly carry me there because I can’t get inebriated enough to banish you from my thoughts.
The ladies who frequent boisterous southern working-class nightclubs evoke a sadness in me that is unique to boisterous southern working-class nightclubs.
In New York, I had sexual relations with a divorced woman. Initially, I felt compelled to make a show of resisting her advances but then she blanketed me in an indeterminate species of the genus Rosa. Subsequently, she evacuated the mucus from my nostrils and then she completely astonished me.
As previously stated, the ladies who frequent boisterous southern working-class nightclubs evoke a sadness in me that is unique to boisterous southern working-class nightclubs. And, in summation, may I say: Woo!
"Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man" TRANSLATED
Pardon me, sir! Yes, you, the tambourinist! Would you kindly perform a composition? I'm awake and have no pressing engagements. So I'll tag along with you this morning, if that's cool.