You and What Army

OVERHEARD: REAL FUN

THE PLACE: 41st Street between Madison and Park
THE PLAYER: A burly, buzz-cut young guy in a loud print shirt, talking intently into a cellphone earpiece

BUZZ-CUT GUY: "It was real. And it was fun. But it wasn't real fun."

OVERHEARD: YOU ARE THE MAN!

THE PLACE: Madison Avenue and 40th Street
THE PLAYER: A middle-aged businessman-type talking into his cellphone

MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMAN-TYPE: "You are the man! [lowers voice] But I liked it better when you were the woman. And I really mean that."

OVERHEARD: STARTING WITH PARENTHESES

THE PLACE: Battery Park City
THE TIME: Mid-afternoon on a grey November day
THE PLAYER: A middle-aged man with oversized white sunglasses and pink hair, pushing an empty baby stroller.

MAN: "I don't think you can start with parentheses. Don't do weird things."

OVERHEARD: WHILE YOU WERE AWAY

THE PLACE: Citarella Market
THE PLAYERS: A male employee speaking to a female employee

MALE EMPLOYEE: Oh, I got a Prince Albert while you were away.

OVERHEARD: AT THE END OF THE DAY

THE TIME: 8:20 on a balmy summer Sunday evening
THE PLACE: Bleecker Street
THE PLAYERS: A twentysomething guy and his friend

TWENTYSOMETHING GUY: That's because, at the end of the day, you're the one who gets up every morning and puts his pants on.

OVERHEARD: STEVEN TYLER'S YEARBOOK PHOTO

THE PLACE: the L train
THE PLAYERS: two hipsters

HIPSTER #1: "Have you ever seen Steven Tyler's high school yearbook photo? It looks like someone put a wig on a wild trout."

OVERHEARD: BEATDOWN

THE TIME: 6:20 on a Sunday afternoon in August 2015

THE PLACE: the downtown 6 train

THE PLAYERS:
A middle-aged gentleman with a strong Long Island accent
A middle-aged lady with a strong Long Island accent

GENTLEMAN: Didn't your son beat up Cathy Lee Gifford's son?

LADY: Yeah, he was a little pussy.

OVERHEARD: LIVING IRONICALLY

THE PLACE: an eastbound LIRR train.
THE PLAYERS: two early-twentysomething dudes in the seat in front of me.

DUDE #1: That's why you read Pitchfork and live your life ironically.
DUDE #2: I don't do anything ironically.
DUDE #1: Oh really? Then why are you wearing those shorts?

OVERHEARD: OVERSHARING

The time: 9:20 on a balmy summer evening
The place: The Prospect Park Bandshell
The players: a hefty thirtyish guy and his apparent girlfriend

Hefty guy: I have to make sure Facebook can't access my photos on my phone
Apparent girlfriend: Why?
Hefty guy: Because I don't want my dick-pics to go up there by accident.

OVERHEARD: HOW TO SPEAK TO A LADY

The time: A Friday morning in spring
The place: University Place in Manhattan
The players: Two young men walking down the street

Young Man #1 suddenly veers toward a newsstand which displays a copy of the New York Post, whose cover prominently features a buxom blonde.

Young Man #1: Man, why can't I ever get with these kind of bitches?
Young Man #2: Because you call them bitches.