You and What Army

"We're an American Band" — TRANSLATED

    I have been on tour for nearly six weeks.  The previous evening, in Little Rock, Arkansas, has left me disoriented due to the performance of a very kind woman by the name of Constance, who — and I am not lying — entertained, so to speak, every member of the band.
    I was up into the wee hours with legendary blues musician Freddie King, who very much enjoys playing poker.  I can indulge freely in liquor and female companionship, provided they don't prevent the band from arriving on time at the following evening's venue.
    We are a rock group from the United States.  We are a rock group from the United States.  We are en route to your city and upon arrival we will assist you in establishing a festive atmosphere.  We are a rock group from the United States.
    In Omaha, Nebraska, a quartet of ladies anticipated our arrival after our performance.  I am in a good mood and it is a Saturday evening.  The head of security at our hotel was most cooperative.
    The aforementioned attractive quartet of young women intended to make our acquaintance, stating, "Gentlemen, we invite you to get intoxicated and have sex with us."  And we obliged, desecrating our hotel in the process.
    We are a rock group from the United States.  We are a rock group from the United States.  We are en route to your city and upon arrival we will assist you in making it a festive place.  We are a rock group from the United States.
    We are a rock group from the United States.  Ooo-ooo.  We are a rock group from the United States.  Ooo-ooo.  We are a rock group from the United States.  Ooo-ooo.

"Every Picture Tells a Story" TRANSLATED

    There was a period of my life when I considered myself substandard.  Before a looking glass, I adjusted my coif into a myriad of configurations and yet it didn't significantly alter my appearance.  My father declared, "Travel, young man.  I'd completely understand if that's what you want to do.  I would only advise you not to fall deeply in love with a lady who will be profligate with your financial resources."  And so I left home.  Woo.
    The famed City of Light was a location where it was possible to go into hiding if one felt like an outcast.  However, the Gallic gendarmes harassed me, asserting that I was an odious individual.  On the southern bank of the Seine — woo — a group of fleeing protesters pushed me to the ground and I was taken into police custody, charged with instigating a benign uprising, when in fact I had merely been seeking a spot of Earl Grey.  I was held responsible — woo — and so I left town.
    In the City of Seven Hills, I was not obtaining sufficient quantities of those things which are critical to sustaining a lad.  I had powerful body odor and yet I retained my élan — woo — during a period when I was enduring great misfortune.  My despair was growing, yes it was, and I was quite a sight to behold.  I really ought to leave before the Holy See retracts its approval of me.  I was not prepared for such an eventuality; no, I was not.
    I traveled toward the rising sun, yes, I did, and now hear me out.  I was in good spirits en route home on the boat from Beijing. By the particular lunar light unique to Asian skies, I began an amorous relationship with a woman whose eyelids featured the epicanthal folds often found in persons of East Asian descent.  Lily, who hailed from Shanghai, did not employ oral contraception, asserting that it's unacceptably synthetic.  She escorted me aboveboard and gave me a hickey.  My listeners, I was delighted to have encountered her.  Oh yes, I was delighted to have encountered her.  Woo-hoo.  And now let's pause a moment.
    I was fully confident that I was self-sufficient.  I honestly believed that I required no one but myself.  But that was profoundly incorrect.  I would not allow the ladies with whom I have had relationships to knot my laces.  They had no respect for anybody.  But I was smitten by the woman whose eyelids featured the epicanthal folds often found in people of East Asian descent.  My heavens, I was delighted to have encountered her.  I have some helpful life-advice, but I won't cite the 19th-century English novelist Charles Dickens, or the 19th-century English Romantic poets Percy Bysshe Shelley and John Keats because they've already said what they've said.  My advice is this: try to see the upside of adverse circumstances and dismiss them with good cheer — ha — after all, you did not choose to be born.
    So don't forget that every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.  Woo.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.
    Every image imparts a narrative, doesn't it.

"Sympathy for the Devil" TRANSLATED

    It's nice to make your acquaintance.  I'm a rich man with an outstanding aesthetic sense.  Also, I'm quite old and have overseen many Faustian bargains.  In fact, I'm so old that I was present when the Savior wondered whether God had given up on him, and I made sure that the governor of Judaea gave him the death sentence.

    In 1917, I was in Petrograd and I could tell a revolution was necessary, so I murdered Tsar Nicholas II and his Cabinet.  His daughter, the Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna, cried out, but to no avail.  About 25 years later, I was a high-ranking military officer riding in an armored vehicle while the German army staged massive attacks on European cities.  There was a strong odor of putrefaction.

    I very much enjoyed a series of armed conflicts between the kingdoms of England and France during the Late Middle Ages over disputed claims to the French throne.  I outspokenly inquired who was responsible for the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy although, let's face it, it was really everybody's fault.  And then I ensnared itinerant poets who were put to death before they arrived in Mumbai.

    With the ostensibly paradoxical thought that all law enforcement officials are in fact lawbreakers, and those who transgress divine law are worthy of being canonized by the Church, and the obverse of a coin is the same as the reverse, you may refer to me as Lucifer because I require some curtailment.

    That said, if we should cross paths, exercise good manners, and show compassion and aesthetic discernment.  In summary, be nice to me or I will kill you.

"You Don't Mess Around with Jim" TRANSLATED

    There are petty swindlers at the northern end of the city and there are unhoused persons on the Bowery.  On 42nd Street, one can find an imposing gentleman named James Walker, who is quite good at billiards.  Although he is a hulking and deeply unintelligent fellow, he possesses great physical strength.  Accordingly, when criminals gather in the evening, they deferentially refer to him as "Boss."
    Just as it is inadvisable to clutch at Superman's mantle, expectorate windward, or remove the Lone Ranger's facial covering, one ought not quarrel with James.
    One day, a fellow from a rural area of southern Alabama announced, "I seek a gentleman named James.  My name is William McCoy, although my intimates have assigned me the cognomen of 'Slim,' and I play billiards.  I seek the monarch of 42nd Street, who drives a Cadillac convertible.  Several days ago, he relieved me of my entire net worth and now I endeavor to retrieve it."  Whereupon all assembled admonished him thusly:
    "Sir, just as it is inadvisable to clutch at Superman's mantle, expectorate windward, or remove the Lone Ranger's facial covering, one ought not quarrel with James."
    Suddenly, the billiard parlor went silent as James strode in.  There commenced an altercation, and at its conclusion, James was completely covered in his own gore, save the undersides of his feet.  He suffered approximately five score lacerations as well as two bullet wounds.  No sooner had James collapsed when the assembled witnesses revised their wisdom thusly:
    "Just as it is inadvisable to clutch at Superman's mantle, expectorate windward, or remove the mask from the Lone Ranger's face, one ought not quarrel with Slim."
    Indeed, that hulking fellow James possessed a fedora.  He discovered that it's unwise to swindle individuals with whom one is unfamiliar, notwithstanding the fact that one may possess a bespoke bipartite billiards stick.
    And so, in closing, allow me to reiterate: just as it is inadvisable to clutch at Superman's mantle, expectorate windward, or remove the Lone Ranger's facial covering, one ought not quarrel with Slim.

"Lola" TRANSLATED

    I made her acquaintance in a nightclub in the red-light district of central London where the sparkling wine is, shall we say, very much on the doux side.  (That's spelled D-O-U-X.)  She approached me and invited to me take a turn around the floor.  I asked her name and she said it was Lola.  (That's spelled L-O-L-A.)
    I'm hardly the most hot-blooded fellow and when she embraced me, I was sure I had fractured some vertebrae.  Which got me thinking: I'm a reasonably intelligent person and yet I couldn't figure out why she had a feminine gait but a masculine voice.
    In the light of incandescent bulbs made to look like tapers, we continued to drink the overly sweet sparkling wine and dance throughout the evening, until at one point she hoisted me onto her lap and invited me to her home.
    I must admit, I'm a fairly staid fellow but when our gazes met, I nearly fell in love with Lola.  But then it finally dawned on me: Lola is a male cross-dresser.  I rebuked her and quickly headed out of the club, but just as I reached the door, I knelt down and our gazes met again and, well, I was a goner.
    I've since grown perfectly comfortable with the fact that Lola is a cross-dresser and I don't want her to change.  After all, there will always be some gentlemen who adopt feminine traits, just as there will always be some ladies who adopt masculine traits.  Everything is so unstable in this life — everything, that is, with the notable exception of Lola.
    Truth be told, I'd moved out of my parents' house only days earlier and was a virgin.  This confession visibly amused Lola, who squeezed my palm and vowed that she would personally induct me into manhood.  Believe me, I know I'm no Tarzan; nonetheless, I'm quite self-possessed and I'm comfortable with the fact that I am cis male, as is Lola.

"Takin' Care of Business" TRANSLATED

    Every day, the alarm clock wakes you up and soon you are departing the suburbs on an 8:15 AM train.  There is some sort of whistle overhead, the crowd is jostling and young women strive to appear attractive.  Assuming your train is on schedule, it's possible to arrive at your workplace by 9:00 AM so you can begin your exhausting labor and then eventually receive compensation for it.  Should you be peeved about that, note that I work for myself and very much enjoy being constantly idle.
    And I have been completing my tasks on a daily basis.  Completing my tasks in all senses of the expression.  I have been completing my tasks, and I have full ownership of the means of production.  Completing my tasks and doing so beyond scheduled working hours.  Now, engage in strenuous labor (by which I mean perform a guitar solo).
    If only it were as easy as casting a fishing line into a lake, then anybody could become a professional musician.  If you feel you're capable of producing tones that are either blaring or dulcet, purchase a used six-string and it's very likely that you will succeed — that is, if you find a special chemistry with some other players.  Non-musicians may observe you sunbathing.  Just inform them that you prefer this way of life: it's a good way to avoid true labor.  We work for ourselves and relish the fact that we are constantly idle.
    Woo.  All right.  Ow.  I love it.  Completing my tasks in exemplary fashion when I'm not at home, on a daily basis.  Woo.  Ha.  Oh yes.
    Completing my tasks.  Woo!  Completing my tasks.  Completing my tasks, assist me.  Completing my tasks.  Completing my tasks on a daily basis.  Completing my tasks, in every sense of the expression.  Completing my tasks, I have full ownership of the means of production.  Completing my tasks beyond scheduled working hours.  Woo!

"Maggie May" TRANSLATED

    Arise, Maggie, because we have something to discuss: it's nearly October and I ought to resume my studies.  Also, although I know you find me entertaining, I have the distinct impression that you're taking advantage of me.
    Oh, Maggie, I've pursued every available option.  You only lured me from my residence so you could relieve your lack of companionship.  You have captivated me romantically, and I find that emotionally painful.
    The light at dawn accentuates the wrinkles on your face but that doesn't concern me whatsoever; in my estimation, you are the most important thing in my life.
    I consistently appreciated your humor.  You effortlessly incited my romantic feelings.  Like I said earlier, Maggie, I've pursued every available option.  To reiterate: you only lured me from my residence so you could relieve your lack of companionship, you have captivated me romantically, and I find that emotionally painful.
    All I really required was a platonic relationship that would provide some stability and direction in my life.  But you added an erotic component, although I must concede that your sexual prowess is very considerable, your libido so prodigious that satisfying it is physically exhausting.
    Your foremost accomplishment was disheveling my sheets and blankets and then, early the following day, striking my cranium with your foot.  As previously stated twice now: Maggie, I've pursued every available option, you only lured me from my residence so you could relieve your lack of companionship, you have captivated me romantically, and — here's something else I have to admit — I find myself unable to forsake your company.
    I do still have the option of retrieving my textbooks and returning to academia.  Or I could make off with my father's pool stick and become a professional billiards player.  Another possibility would be to ally myself with a rock group that requires some sort of assistance.
    Oh, Maggie, I deeply regret making your acquaintance.  You have caused me to behave very stupidly but, as stupid people so often are, I'm thoroughly oblivious.  You have captivated me romantically, and I find myself besotted.
    As I said, Maggie, I deeply regret making your acquaintance.  I vow that I will eventually return to my place of residence.  Ooh, hoo, hoo.

"Surrender" TRANSLATED

    My mother informed me, indeed, she informed me that I would inevitably encounter young women of your ilk.  She furthermore informed that I should avoid such young women as I would run a high risk of contracting a communicable disease from them.  Recently, I heard tell of a serviceman who went overboard from a certain flat-bottomed Indonesian sailing vessel with a prominent stem, a high stern, and lugsails that is currently at sea.
    My mother is just fine.  My father is just fine.  They do, however, appear to be somewhat strange.  Concede defeat.  Concede defeat.  But take care not to betray yourself.
    My father announces, "Your mother is correct, she is well informed.  Prior to our nuptials, she was stationed in the Philippines as a member of the Women's Army Corps."  It is my understanding that, during the war, the Women's Army Corps inducted women who were too old for marriage.  However, I have been acquainted with my mother for quite some time and I can assure you that she does not fit that description.
    I would like to ascertain the fate of each and every one of those who consistently failed to win during this stage of the year.  I continually wonder about their whereabouts.  But when I arose, I encountered my mother and my father cavorting on the sofa while rolling marijuana cigarettes and enjoying rock music, specifically that of Kiss.

"My Generation" TRANSLATED

    Many individuals attempt to demean us — by that, I mean my entire cohort — merely on the grounds that we live a life of unprecedented freedom; again, I am referring to my entire cohort.  The situation appears to be quite inhospitable — to my entire cohort, that is.  Apropos of almost nothing, it is my fervent wish that I perish prior to my senescence.  And, once again, I am discussing my entire cohort.
    I am discussing my entire cohort.
    I am discussing my entire cohort.
    I strongly suggest that you withdraw — I say this on behalf of my entire cohort — and not attempt to comprehend our discourse.  (And, by "our," I mean my entire cohort.)  It is not my intention to instigate a furor — I am merely discussing my entire cohort.
    I am discussing my entire cohort.
    I am discussing my entire cohort.

"Start Me Up" TRANSLATED

    In the event that you were to turn over my engine...  In the event that you were to turn over my engine, my engine would run perpetually.  In the event that you were to turn over my engine.  In the event that you were to turn over my engine, my engine would run perpetually.
    Lately, my thermostat has indicated an excessively high temperature.  My timer has been activated and I caution you not to cause me to explode.  In the event that you were to turn over my engine.  In the event that you were to turn over my engine, my engine would run perpetually, run perpetually, run perpetually, run perpetually.
    You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  Smear around the crude and the unleaded.  I boast a graceful gait and travel in a formidable vehicle.  Turn over its engine.
    In the event that you were to turn over its engine, be sure to switch on the ignition as forcefully as you can.  You must, you must.  The entrants in the other preliminary races are faster than I.  If you treat it harshly, if you enjoy it, I can maneuver it skywards, maneuver it skywards, maneuver it skywards, maneuver it skywards.
    I ask you not to cause an adult male to weep.  I ask you not to cause an adult male to weep.  For the last time: I ask you not to cause an adult male to weep.  My pupils enlarge, the two fleshy parts which form the upper and lower edges of the opening of my mouth turn a verdant hue.  My palms are covered in lubricant; she is a formidable vehicle.  Turn over its engine.
    Turn over my engine.  Do so with your greatest possible effort.  It is imperative that you continue to do this for the foreseeable future.  Maneuver it skywards.  Whoo!  In order to turn over the engine, increase its speed of revolution pressing the accelerator while the clutch is disengaged.  Turn over the engine, turn over the engine, turn over the engine.  Not ever, not ever, not ever.
    You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  Once again: You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  Travel in a manner reminiscent of forceful air currents, at twice normal velocity.  I shall escort you to locales with which you are completely unfamiliar.  Hey, hey.
    In the event that you were to turn over the engine, you will treasure the moment that you did, and you and I shan't ever cease, shan't ever cease.  Shan't ever, shan't ever, shan't ever cease.  Turn over my engine.  Do not ever cease, do not ever cease.
    You are capable of causing adult males to weep.  You are capable of causing deceased adult males to ejaculate.  You are capable of causing deceased adult males to ejaculate.