You and What Army

THE CREEPIEST CAMPAIGN AD... EVER

    A ghoulish face emerges from the darkness and cracks a fiendish rictus of a grin.  The face begins speaking, barely containing its eerie sarcasm.

Senator Obama, this is truly a good day for America.  You know, too often, the achievements of our opponents go unnoticed.  So I wanted to stop and say congratulations.  How perfect that your nomination would come on this historic day.  Tomorrow, we'll be back at it.  But tonight, senator, job well done.

    The smirking ghoul, of course, is John McCain, and it's an ad that ran tonight.  It could not be more condescending about the greatness of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., Barack Obama's monumental achievement and this indisputably pivotal moment in our nation's history.  This from the man who voted against the amendment to make King's birthday a national holiday.
    Oh, and Obama's nomination was Wednesday, Sen. McCain.  Tonight is his acceptance speech.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED AT THE FORUM

    A couple of nice little scandals have erupted out of the Rev. Rick forum.  One is that McCain's stirring "Cross in the Dirt" anecdote might have been stolen from the late Russian novelist Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, of whom McCain is a declared and knowledgeable fan. See here and here.
    And there was something fishy about Rev. Warren's claim that McCain was in a "cone of silence" during Obama's turn and couldn't hear the questions he was about to be asked.  There is apparently evidence McCain had the questions in advance. See here and here.

RAPPIN' WITH REV. RICK

    My two cents: we can safely say Obama lost tonight in the Saddleback Church forum with Rev. Rick Warren.  Obama was wise to be humble in such adversarial suroundings but he was circumspect in an almost Kerryesque way whereas McCain was confident, terse and decisive -- he came off as, dare I say it, a strong leader.  Late in the program, Warren asked Obama not to reply with his stump speech but that's precisely what McCain did for virtually every answer, and it worked.
    So McCain won handily -- at least with the conservative base, which is largely simplistic and reactionary and responds best to reductive pronouncements.  Luckily for Obama, McCain also gave a wake-up call to left-leaning independents and the Clinton sore losers that he stands in direct opposition to most of their values.  But Obama has got to learn how to represent or the upcoming formal debates are going to be a disaster.
    And one more thing: At one point, Obama listed some examples of evil, lumping together child abuse, Darfur, and... "the streets of our cities."  Oh yeah, Barry?  What about all the evil that goes down in the so-called American heartland?  You know, where all those evangelicals live?  What about all those serial murderers and crystal meth dealers and family imprisoners and hanging judges and abortion clinic bombers and child rapists and homicidal, rifle-toting disgruntled employees and Klansmen and other diabolical rural citizens?  The streets of our cities are no more evil than the streets of Jonesboro, and they're not a patch on Darfur.
    As someone who daily witnesses a tiny fraction of the myriad acts of civility required for my great city to function, I resented that comment very deeply.  Obama knowingly and cynically pandered to his audience's vicious and ignorant prejudices while delivering a rude slap to his own base — which is largely people who live in those evil, evil cities.  Senator Obama, do not defecate where you masticate.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: AMERICAN PSYCHO

    Chris Matthews is a psycho.  At least if you subscribe to an oft-cited definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.  A case in point is Matthews' obsessive-compulsive repetition of a very poor joke: if John McCain chooses Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty as his running mate, that the campaign slogan should be "Good and Pawlenty."  It wasn't funny the first time, and it will never be funny no matter how many times Matthews says it on national television.

Hardball, MSNBC, June 19
MATTHEWS:  By the way, the name of that ticket is going to be good and Pawlenty.

The Chris Matthews Show, NBC, June 22
MATTHEWS: So that ticket is going to be known as good and Pawlenty.
KATHLEEN PARKER (Washington Post): Ah!
JIM CRAMER (CNBC): Very good.

Hardball, MSNBC, July 8
MATTHEWS: Do you think a good and Pawlenty is a good ticket, McCain and Pawlenty?

Hardball, MSNBC, July 14
MATTHEWS: I have made the joke, Todd, that it sounds like good and Pawlenty would be a nickname for the ticket, not that that‘s a serious critique.

    And then I was listening to the Friday, July 25, edition of Hardball when all of a sudden I heard Matthews crack, "I told you the campaign should be called 'Good and Pawlenty.'"
    Seriously, the guy is a headcase. Please, MSNBC, take the guy off the air before he kills someone.

CHRIS MATTHEWS BABY BOOMER GAFFE

    Is somebody asleep at the switch at NBC?  Or does someone have a wicked sense of humor?  On The Chris Matthews Show this morning, Matthews closed a segment with a clip from the late, great George Carlin, blasting the "narcissistic, self-indulgent" baby boomers in extended and vituperative fashion.  "This is the generation that went from 'love is all you need' to 'whoever dies with the most toys wins,'" Carlin rails, "the generation that went from cocaine to rogaine."
    They left out the part where Carlin rants that "the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi's loose-fitting jeans and fat-ass Docker pants."  But NBC quickly remedied that oversight.
    They went straight to a commercial which begins with vintage footage of dirty hippies and the words "For the generation that swore it would never get old… And didn't."  It's Just For Men's Touch of Gray™ hair treatment, aimed specifically at boomers, complete with a soundtrack of Cream's "Sunshine of Your Love," and closing with an artificially virile fiftysomething surfer guy cheerfully flipping the peace sign and quipping, "Don't trust anybody over 90!"  It is the ultimate expression of delusional boomer vanity.  As they say in geometry, QED, Mr. Carlin.
    It was just jaw-droppingly bad programming.  If more than about two dozen people actually watched The Chris Matthews Show, I'm sure some heads would have rolled.

ALL TIM, ALL THE TIME

    Yes, I know Tim Russert was an important guy and much beloved by his colleagues.  But MSNBC devoted all of Friday to his passing.  Then they devoted all of Saturday.  Then all of Sunday.  Today, I thought, OK, it's Monday, it's a new week, we're at the start of an exciting presidential campaign, it's a busy news day and it's time to move on — surely, by now, MSNBC will be done with All Tim, All the Time.
    But no, I tune in Hardball this afternoon at 5:00 and there's Chris Matthews, Mike Barnicle and Pat Buchanan waxing poetic about Russert's faithful Catholicism.  And this continued throughout the rest of the show, except for eight minutes during which journalist Amy Goodman positively slaughtered clueless right-wing Las Vegas radio show host Heidi Harrison on issues surrounding the women's vote.
    I can only presume that these guys are falling all over each other to praise Russert in an effort to win brownie points with the NBC brass, with a gimlet eye toward nabbing some or all of Russert's responsibilities, including Washington bureau chief and moderator of Meet the Press.  Is that too cynical?  I really don't think so.  The intrigue at the MSNBC offices must be like something out of a Kurosawa movie.
    Until they sort out the order of succession, I'm watching CNN.

HARDBOWL

    Just had to include the transcript of Chris Matthews' first of many discussions of Barack Obama's bowling score at an alley in Altoona back in late March.  It's all completely inane, hilarious-but-pathetic reading, but for those of you with busy schedules I've bolded some of the more egregious howlers.

The cast:  Hardball host Chris Matthews, Newsweek reporter Howard Fineman, Congressional Quarterly reporter Jonathan Allen, and MSNBC political analyst Michelle Bernard (who, it helps to know when reading this abysmal exchange, is African-American).

MATTHEWS:  We‘re back with the round table for more of the politics fix.  Howard, I want to ask you about bowling today.  I want to ask you about bowling.

FINEMAN:  Just because I‘m from Pittsburgh.

MATTHEWS:  No, no, no.  It‘s so interesting.  Here‘s a guy trying to break into the white ethnic voting crowd, so he goes and plays the sport most associated I think with regular folks in the big cities and small towns.  You and I grew up doing a little bowling.  We know what a pathetic score is.  Neither of us have ever done a 37, I think it‘s fair to say.

FINEMAN:  To fair to Barack, it was over seven frames.  OK.  But that still isn‘t much.  I mean, he definitely needs some bowling less sense [sic].  He should do what we used to do in Pittsburgh, all night bowling for a dollar, really work on your game.  I think he did get Frank O‘Harris [sic] and he did get Jerome Bettis, the Bus, to endorse him.  He‘s traveling around on the bus with the Bus.

If you can‘t do something like that, you shouldn‘t do it.  He should have stuck to shooting hoops, which he‘s very, very good at, by the way, which translates racially too, especially during the NCAA basketball tournament.  Don‘t do something you‘ve never tried before in front of a national television audience.

MATTHEWS:  Michelle, this gets very ethnic, but the fact that he‘s good at basketball doesn‘t surprise everybody.  The fact that he‘s terrible at bowling makes you wonder.

BERNARD:  It doesn‘t surprise anybody black, I can tell you that.

MATTHEWS:  Is black—I guess everybody bowls.   

FINEMAN:  This is killing him, Chris.  Don‘t show it over and over again.

MATTHEWS:  This is a killer. Look at this killer.  It isn‘t the most macho form there.

FINEMAN:  He can‘t challenge Hillary.  I think he doesn‘t dare challenge Hillary, because Hillary‘s from Chicago.  She might actually be able to get over triple digits.

MATTHEWS:  I‘m waiting to see if Hillary challenges him to a bowling match.  It might be a thrilling—you know what, what would get a higher poll, a higher rating do you think, Jonathan, a higher television rating, a bowling match between Hillary and Barack or another debate?

ALLEN:  The bowling match absolutely would, because everybody would be watching to see when they went in the gutter.

FINEMAN:  You got to do HARDBALL bowling, Chris.  You got to do it.

BERNARD:  He gave a good response today when he was talking about his failures as a bowler. I think he probably picked up some points from people who felt sorry for him who didn‘t know what he was doing.

HARDBALL FOLLIES

    Time to rant about MSNBC's Hardball, hosted by Chris Matthews. Today's episode was based not in the studio but at the kick-off event of the new NBC prime-time schedule, which has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with sucking up to the parent company.  Why would Matthews do such a thing?  Probably because, according to his recent (and damning) New York Times magazine profile, "Friends who have known him a long time say he worries that 'the suits' at NBC want him out."  Two competitors are breathing down his neck: David Gregory's new 6:00 show already duplicates Matthews' turf and MSNBC mega-regular Rachel Maddow recently announced that she is "gunning" for her own show.  Maybe that's also why Matthews recently dyed his hair.
    Matthews often uses his allegedly uncompromising show for strictly personal ends.  A self-described film buff, Matthews has inexplicably based Hardball episodes at Sundance and gratuitously hosts Hollywood stars like Ben Affleck, Russell Crowe and Matt Damon, typically when they have a movie to shill for, and has them pontificate about politics.  100 to 1 he has a manuscript that he hawks to them after the show.
    Then there's his blatant on-air sexism, which is extensively catalogued here.  Also check out his truly creepy treatment of CNBC's Erin Burnett.  Ewwwwwww.  Note the oddly high likelihood that female guests on his Sunday morning show will be attractive blondes like Katty Kay, Kathleen Parker and Michelle Cottle, or that during the 2000 presidential election fiasco, Matthews spared no opportunity to opine that democracy-defiling Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris was a "beautiful woman" and a "very attractive woman."  Matthews has repeatedly claimed that Hillary Clinton should not raise her voice during speeches because women sound "shrill" and "strident" when they yell.
    And how about Matthews' OCD-like proclivity for repeating his own bon mots as if nobody heard him the first time: his countless designations of Jeremiah Wright as an "albatross" for Obama, that the Clintons always want a "mulligan" whether it's playing golf or running a political campaign, that Obama's poor bowling skills mean he's out of touch with working people, or Matthews' belief that when Bill Clinton wags his finger he's lying.  He is clearly so pleased with these piercing apercus and sparkling witticisms that he believes they're just as good the tenth time he says them.
    Finally, let us not forget that Chris Matthews was one of the foremost culprits in the ceaseless and inane yammering about Jeremiah Wright.  And not a word of apology or regret when polls revealed that it mattered very little to voters in North Carolina and Indiana.
    Oh yeah, and why does he always call Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive nominee of the Democratic Party for the presidency of the United States, by his first name?

INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA GET YOU

     Just caught this story via CNN.com – a pro golfer named Tripp Isenhour was taping a TV show and got so angry at the squawking of a red shouldered hawk that he hit golf balls at the animal until he killed it.  This fellow is a textbook example of what we call an "asshole."
    Here's what Isenhour said in a prepared statement: "As soon as this happened, I was mortified and extremely upset and continue to be upset.  I want to let everyone know there was neither any malice nor deliberate intent whatsoever to hit or harm the hawk. I was trying to simply scare it into flying away.''
    Bullshit.  Here's what actually happened, according to the official report:

The 39-year-old player, whose real name is John Henry Isenhour III, became angry while filming "Shoot Like A Pro'" on Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf Club when a squawking red-shouldered hawk roughly 300 yards away forced another take.

He drove closer to the bird in his golf cart and starting hitting balls at it. The bird didn't move and Isenhour gave up and drove away.

Isenhour started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine indicated in a report.

Isenhour allegedly said, "I'll get him now,'' and aimed for the hawk.

"About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close,'' Baine wrote.

A few shots later, witnesses said he hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils.

Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot, said hitting the bird was "basically like a joke to (Isenhour).''

    I encourage you to write a brief letter of complaint to the PGA Tour here.  This guy should pay dearly for such a malicious act of cruelty.

DESPERADO, WHY DON'T YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES

    As if Hillary "I'm absolutely honored to be here with Barack Obama but also shame on him" Clinton's wild mood swings of last week weren't enough of a tip-off that her candidacy is in meltdown mode, the Clintons are now desperately pelting Texas with a commercial that sinks to precisely the kind of craven scare tactics they had earlier decried.  The message is, if you don't vote for Hillary, a bunch of bloodthirsty towelheads will break into your McMansion in Plano and slaughter your little blonde babies!  This parody pretty much nails it.
    The pundits took note of the Clintons' shameless fearmongering on this morning's edition of Meet the Press – and apparently at least two of them had already anticipated just such a pandering excrescence from the Clintons.  Republican strategist Mike Murphy mentioned that a while back, as the Clintons' campaign started to crack, he and Democratic strategist Bob Shrum were in the Meet the Press green room and they said of the Clinton campaign, "God, do you think they're going to panic and do the ol' red phone ad?"
  The "red phone ad" is a time-honored tradition – although I use the word "honor" loosely – even Fritz Mondale did it in 1984, Lyndon Johnson did it in 1964, and there are plenty more examples.  Scaring people into voting for you is old school.  So much for Hillary Clinton as an agent of change.
   Shrum might be a ten-time loser, but he did get off a good one about the Clintons, comparing their befuddlement and frustration at Obama's success to that of the Beach Boys when the Beatles came along and knocked them off the pop charts.  Spot on, sir.

p.s.:  MSNBC's Chris Matthews pointed out that the dreaded doomsday phone rings six times before Hillary picks it up.

p.p.s.:  It's also worth noting that Hillary is fully dressed at 3:00 AM.  I guess she'll be sleeping in the next morning and will miss that important national security meeting.